I have observed that on meeting family and friends after many months or years overseas can be a “culture shock” for both myself and them. After a few months of being together, we familiarise ourselves with each other and to some extent accept that we have different values and life styles.
There is no need for regrets that we may have changed or developed in the Dhamma while family and friends follow other paths. After reflecting on my own behaviour during various periods of my life, I imagine that my children and other loved ones are resting before they actively find and walk the Dhamma path. Many of them seem to be sleeping through life, unaware of life’s purpose and meaning.
If we try to wake up the sleepers by actively proselytising, they would think us rude and they would not understand. They would only become irritated and then “roll over to the other side of the bed to continue sleeping.” The best we can do is to gently and subtly remind them of Dhamma. The rest is up to them. They are the owners of their kamma. We do our best and then let them be.
In these cases we also need to reflect on our discontent with this situation and our desire to proselytise. We can help ourselves by developing the four divine abidings, especially equanimity uppekkhaa.
Imagine the point of view of a senior teacher who has realized the Dhamma to a high level. Many people ignore him or her and others ask for help but don’t listen carefully to his or her advice. This is normal. The teacher knows that it is really the learner’s own efforts that lead to success rather than the teacher’s effort.
In all contact with my family (especially my children) I have tried teaching them to align with the Dhamma. Whenever I talk with them, I try to practice and speak with the principles of Dhamma in mind. I try to set a good example by my actions and speech. I teach them in diverse ways even though they may not know. Now I understand that mostly what I do is help them have happy dreams while they “sleep”.
My failure to wake others is likely due to my own “sleepiness.” By writing this blog, listening to the Dhamma, studying the Dhamma, striving to live a virtuous spiritual life and similar activities, I strive to waken myself as much as, or more than, to waken other.
Sometimes, I imagine that we have biological relatives and spiritual relatives. In past existences we have been related to most beings, human and in the other realms (heaven, hell, animal, hungry ghosts etc). Some of these beings will have been helping us on our journey to realize Dhamma and can be closer to us in spirit than our current human biological relatives.
I believe that as we continue on our Dhamma path, we may meet more of our spiritual relatives here and there. These spiritual relatives will feel naturally close and connected with us. We will share the Dhamma again and again. In stories of the past lives of the Lord Buddha and the disciples such as Bhante Aananda, Bhante Saariputta, Bhante Mahaamoggallana, Bhante Mahaakassapa, Bhante Annuruddha, Bhante Kisagotami, Bhante Uppalavanaa, Bhante Khema and so on, I found they were all related to each other or were close associates in previous human and non-human existences. Often they were in teacher/student roles and helped each other to develop wholesome factors and other Dhamma virtues.
A common understanding in Australia is the physicalist or philosophical materialist view which holds that matter is the fundamental substance in nature, and that all phenomena, including mental phenomena and consciousness, are the result of material interactions. This view is held to be common sense. I found that as soon as I ask questions about their assumptions, many naive materialists became defensive because they do not really understand the materialist position through reason or direct experience. They understand it through faith. They grew up with materialism as a given.
The philosophical materialist view assumes that biological parents have a deep and essential connection with their biological children. It is as though the blood and genes connect biological parents with children in ways that step parents and adopted children wouldn’t. According to the Dhamma, materialism is a type of wrong view (miccaa ditthi) because it holds that identity arises from matter such as blood and genes which are form ruupa. Such materialists assume some kind of ownership or belonging in the parent-child relationship even though none can explain what part of matter contains the aspect of ownership. In fact there is no self in ruupa and no self in blood and genes. There is no ownership or belonging in the parent-child relationship except that which social actors may agree on by way of a non-material social or cultural construct.
Very few people read or hear the Dhamma, never mind understand it, even if they do read or hear it. Even so, we live in a social world and the non-Buddhists around us have expectations about how relationships and social responsibilities work. As Buddhists engaged in this social world, we need to manage those expectations and assumptions. Even if philosophical materialism is an instance of wrong view, its is assumed as “normal” and common sense in most social situations. So being part of a minority with right view can be difficult and lonely. We need to be patient and persevere with equanimity uppekkhaa and the other divine abidings.
Knowing that most people suffer under their wrong views is already exercising compassion karunaa. Interacting with others with a mind of loving-kindness mettaa, is a skillful tactic for reducing our own tendency to be irritated or agitated by others’ attachment to wrong views. Observing the success of others in the materialist world with a mind of altrustic joy muditaa helps us to be content with whatever status, property or health we may have. Altruistic joy also reduces our tendency to be jealous and thereby motivated to acquire gain, honour and praise at the expense of spiritual success.
Our “sleeping” family and friends may think that we don’t love them because we are on a different path and don’t do the same sleepy things they do. Let us consistently demonstrate that we do love them even though we may see and know in diverse ways.
Finally, we should not give up trying to influence our family and friends to follow the Dhamma. I recommend you all read A8.26 Jivaka Sutta (translated by Bhante Thanisaro Bhikkhu) from the Anguttaranikaaya for the Blessed One’s advice on how to do this. Here is the almost identical discourse translated by Bhante Bhikkhu Bodhi.
There is no need for regrets that we may have changed or developed in the Dhamma while family and friends follow other paths. After reflecting on my own behaviour during various periods of my life, I imagine that my children and other loved ones are resting before they actively find and walk the Dhamma path. Many of them seem to be sleeping through life, unaware of life’s purpose and meaning.
If we try to wake up the sleepers by actively proselytising, they would think us rude and they would not understand. They would only become irritated and then “roll over to the other side of the bed to continue sleeping.” The best we can do is to gently and subtly remind them of Dhamma. The rest is up to them. They are the owners of their kamma. We do our best and then let them be.
In these cases we also need to reflect on our discontent with this situation and our desire to proselytise. We can help ourselves by developing the four divine abidings, especially equanimity uppekkhaa.
Imagine the point of view of a senior teacher who has realized the Dhamma to a high level. Many people ignore him or her and others ask for help but don’t listen carefully to his or her advice. This is normal. The teacher knows that it is really the learner’s own efforts that lead to success rather than the teacher’s effort.
In all contact with my family (especially my children) I have tried teaching them to align with the Dhamma. Whenever I talk with them, I try to practice and speak with the principles of Dhamma in mind. I try to set a good example by my actions and speech. I teach them in diverse ways even though they may not know. Now I understand that mostly what I do is help them have happy dreams while they “sleep”.
My failure to wake others is likely due to my own “sleepiness.” By writing this blog, listening to the Dhamma, studying the Dhamma, striving to live a virtuous spiritual life and similar activities, I strive to waken myself as much as, or more than, to waken other.
Sometimes, I imagine that we have biological relatives and spiritual relatives. In past existences we have been related to most beings, human and in the other realms (heaven, hell, animal, hungry ghosts etc). Some of these beings will have been helping us on our journey to realize Dhamma and can be closer to us in spirit than our current human biological relatives.
I believe that as we continue on our Dhamma path, we may meet more of our spiritual relatives here and there. These spiritual relatives will feel naturally close and connected with us. We will share the Dhamma again and again. In stories of the past lives of the Lord Buddha and the disciples such as Bhante Aananda, Bhante Saariputta, Bhante Mahaamoggallana, Bhante Mahaakassapa, Bhante Annuruddha, Bhante Kisagotami, Bhante Uppalavanaa, Bhante Khema and so on, I found they were all related to each other or were close associates in previous human and non-human existences. Often they were in teacher/student roles and helped each other to develop wholesome factors and other Dhamma virtues.
A common understanding in Australia is the physicalist or philosophical materialist view which holds that matter is the fundamental substance in nature, and that all phenomena, including mental phenomena and consciousness, are the result of material interactions. This view is held to be common sense. I found that as soon as I ask questions about their assumptions, many naive materialists became defensive because they do not really understand the materialist position through reason or direct experience. They understand it through faith. They grew up with materialism as a given.
The philosophical materialist view assumes that biological parents have a deep and essential connection with their biological children. It is as though the blood and genes connect biological parents with children in ways that step parents and adopted children wouldn’t. According to the Dhamma, materialism is a type of wrong view (miccaa ditthi) because it holds that identity arises from matter such as blood and genes which are form ruupa. Such materialists assume some kind of ownership or belonging in the parent-child relationship even though none can explain what part of matter contains the aspect of ownership. In fact there is no self in ruupa and no self in blood and genes. There is no ownership or belonging in the parent-child relationship except that which social actors may agree on by way of a non-material social or cultural construct.
Very few people read or hear the Dhamma, never mind understand it, even if they do read or hear it. Even so, we live in a social world and the non-Buddhists around us have expectations about how relationships and social responsibilities work. As Buddhists engaged in this social world, we need to manage those expectations and assumptions. Even if philosophical materialism is an instance of wrong view, its is assumed as “normal” and common sense in most social situations. So being part of a minority with right view can be difficult and lonely. We need to be patient and persevere with equanimity uppekkhaa and the other divine abidings.
Knowing that most people suffer under their wrong views is already exercising compassion karunaa. Interacting with others with a mind of loving-kindness mettaa, is a skillful tactic for reducing our own tendency to be irritated or agitated by others’ attachment to wrong views. Observing the success of others in the materialist world with a mind of altrustic joy muditaa helps us to be content with whatever status, property or health we may have. Altruistic joy also reduces our tendency to be jealous and thereby motivated to acquire gain, honour and praise at the expense of spiritual success.
Our “sleeping” family and friends may think that we don’t love them because we are on a different path and don’t do the same sleepy things they do. Let us consistently demonstrate that we do love them even though we may see and know in diverse ways.
Finally, we should not give up trying to influence our family and friends to follow the Dhamma. I recommend you all read A8.26 Jivaka Sutta (translated by Bhante Thanisaro Bhikkhu) from the Anguttaranikaaya for the Blessed One’s advice on how to do this. Here is the almost identical discourse translated by Bhante Bhikkhu Bodhi.
A8.25 Mahaanaama Sutta
On one occasion the Blessed One was dwelling among the Sakyans at Kapilavatthu in the Banyan Tree Park. Then Mahänäma the Sakyan approached the Blessed One, paid homage to him, sat down to one side, and said to him:
“In what way, Bhante, is one a lay follower?”
‘ ‘When, Mahanama, one has gone for refuge to the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha, in that way one is a lay follower.”
“In what way, Bhante, is a lay follower virtuous?”
“When, Mahanama, a lay follower abstains from the destruction of life, from taking what is not given, from sexual misconduct, from false speech, and from liquor, wine, and intoxicants, the basis for heedlessness, in that way a lay follower is virtuous.”
“In what way, Bhante, is a lay follower practicing for his own welfare but not for the welfare of others?”
(1) ‘ ‘When, Mahänama, a lay follower is himself accomplished in faith but does not encourage others to accomplish faith;
(2) when he is himself accomplished in virtuous behavior but does not encourage others to accomplish virtuous behavior;
(3) when he is himself accomplished in generosity but does not encourage others to accomplish generosity;
(4) when he himself wants to see bhikkhus but does not encourage others to see bhikkhus;
(5) when he himself wants to hear the good Dhamma but does not encourage others to hear the good Dhamma;
(6) when he himself retains in mind the teachings he has heard but does not encourage others to retain the teachings in mind;
(7) when he himself examines the meaning of the teachings that have been retained in mind but does not encourage others to examine their meaning;
(8) when he himself has understood the meaning and the Dhamma and practices in accordance with the Dhamma, but does not encourage others to do so:
it is in this way, Mahänäma, that a lay follower is practicing for his own welfare but not for the welfare of others.
“In what way, Bhante, is a lay follower practicing for his own welfare and
for the welfare of others?”
(1) “When, Mahänäma, a lay follower is himself accomplished in faith and also encourages others to accomplish faith;
(2) when he is himself accomplished in virtuous behavior and also encourages others to accomplish virtuous behavior;
(3) when he is himself accomplished in generosity and also encourages others to accomplish generosity;
(4) when he himself wants to see bhikkhus and also encourages others to see bhikkhus;
(5) when he himself wants to hear the good Dhamma and also encourages others to hear the good Dhamma;
(6) when he himself retains in mind the teachings he has heard and also encourages others to retain the teachings in mind;
(7) when he himself examines the meaning of the teachings that have been retained in mind and also encourages others to examine their meaning;
(8) when he himself understands the meaning and the Dhamma and then practices in accordance with the Dhamma, and also encourages others to practice in accordance with the Dhamma:
it is in this way, Mahänäma, that a lay follower is practicing for his own welfare and also for the welfare of others.
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